Me in a unitard, goatee, and legwarmers doing flashdance

i only put on a bathing suit when i know i look like a persian male to female transexual.

Coming this Halloween to a doorway near you.

While you ladies are trying to decide which crotchless panties go best with your cat ears, I will be hunting for garish button-ups and glueing together legos.

Here he is-your favorite cigar-smoking, womanizing , hologram that only Sam can see or hear.

Al Calavicci of Quantum Leap.

Disneyland Gay Day: A look back.

Gay Days at Disneyland: Where lesbians can wear stupid looking shirts and feel damn good about it.

Hungry?

Chubby Children make me hungry in the sickening way.

sweet dreams.

Jurassic Park at Midnight in L.A.

Tonight I will be enjoying Giant Lizards and Jeff Goldblum on a screen that’s wider than Lindsay Lohan’s cervix.

Jurassic Park at Midnight in Los Angeles.

Come because you appreciate fine Cinema.

Come because you plan on taking acid and shitting your pants.

Come because you want to watch Wayne Knight’s monster shit interrupted by a hungry T-REX.

Just come.

Regency Fairfax Theatre Showtimes. 7907 Beverly Blvd., Hollywood, CA90048.

Barack Obama: Presidential Candidate or Pop Diva?

you decide.

Seth Green Film Festival in Los Angeles.

Attention people of planet nerdtastic,

your favorite shrimpy ginger celebrity is going to get his very own film festival.

The excitement begins on September 3.

SETH GREEN’S CINEMATIC CAVALCADE OF HORROR!

special guests TBA!!!

sept 3&4 ROBO COP & DIE HARD

sept 5&6 STRANGE BREW & BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA

sept 7-9 YOUNG SHERLOCK HOLMES & TBA

sept 10&11 THREE O CLOCK HIGH & STATE OF GRACE

sept 12&13 BEVERLY HILLS COP & TBA

sept 14&15 SUPERMAN & BATMAN

head on down to the New Bev this fall and enjoy.

I will be there along with hundreds of others who couldn’t play sports in high school.

7165 West Beverly Blvd, Los Angeles CA 90036

My black ass was all up in there

I went to the overcrowded Canoga Park 24hr Laundramat yesterday and I met a heavyset black woman who shared with me all of her Taxicab Confessions.

Basically, I was sitting on top of a washing machine when a short middle-aged woman wobbled over and told me that Tupac ” kept it real” and was ” her favorite motherfucker”. Now I could give a pair of wrinkled saggy balls about which rapper was the realest motherfucker but for fear that she would knife out one of my vital organs if I grabbed my wet clothes and peeled out of the parking lot, I sat there in silence and learned  Exactly what Mick Jagger likes his ghetto ethnic hookers to do for mad cash.

So here’s to you Mick ,your strange fixation with coffins, and a woman you knew as “shorty” so many years ago.

Miley Cyrus is the product of Satan and Feces.

MILEY CYRUS makes me want to….

a

a) vomit for the rest of forever

b) smile and laugh while i buy her albums and have dance parties

c) drink until i am drunk enough to forget that Miley Cyrus is a person that exists in my reality

I know she is 15 and I know that she has unfortunate teeth but she also has about 7 million dollars and the power to make 3 year olds enjoy wearing  tube tops. This poll is the first step towards getting a unanimous vote that will inevitabley lead to her demise. So come on guys. Let’s extinguish the Hannah Montana Flame before I  get my tubes tied for fear of her influence on my future daughters and flamboyantly gay sons.

make your decision wisely.

Quantum Creep

 

BAKULA: HOT PIECE or 50 YEAR OLD MAN THAT ONLY I AM ATTRACTED TO?

Here’s the thing, Scott Bakula deserves to be talked about at least once every 7 months . Sure, Quantum leap was over about 8 years ago and none of the actors have really done anything but fat lines of blow and low-budget made-for-TV movies since the series cancelation in 1996

BUT HEY, he’s Dr. Sam Beckett

and no one is bumpable like Dr. Sam Beckett .

He’s the kind of guy who would slip his hand around your neck and caress the soft spot behind your ear before looking at you as if to say, ” you are so fucking beautiful that looking at you makes me feel like our souls are dancing together in an ocean of love and chocolate”

Now, I am not completely sure which Learn to love your Partner instructional VHS this screen shot came from. All I can infer is that Dr. Sam Beckett is sensual and also hairier than any generic, deadly half-man half-monster creature.

 

I will say that I saw the BAK once at the Madrid on Sherman Way which is the kind of theater where the florescent marquee has 4 bulbs burnt out and the ticket counter is jam-packed with hateful sickly looking he/shes that wear too much black eyeliner.

My girlfriend and I were celebrating our 3 month anniversary by taking in the sexually-charged, nazi song and dance spectacular:

CABARET.

Bakula was sitting in the lobby with 4 elitist boogers talking about how flat the singers were and how,” it was just so awful to sit through that wretched rendition of blablablablabla something else pretentious” This experience made me decide that Scott Bakula is less of a 90’s babe and more of a washed up 2004 Snobberson McCock.

 

But just to put it out there…

I would blow his 50 year old dong.

 

 

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