How to lose your mind in 10 minutes.

3 cheers for sexism!

Let me give you 90 minutes of your life back.

plot:

women like shoes and lipstick

men like sports and pussy

i fast forwarded the 45 minutes in the middle but i am pretty sure it’s a bunch of gags about how kate hudson pretends to hate sports and poker to make matty boy hate her.

they decide they are in love just before kate gets on a plane.

I puked.

If you want to watch this movie and enjoy it you will have to get a second vagina surgically implanted in your brain.

Jurassic Park at Midnight in L.A.

Tonight I will be enjoying Giant Lizards and Jeff Goldblum on a screen that’s wider than Lindsay Lohan’s cervix.

Jurassic Park at Midnight in Los Angeles.

Come because you appreciate fine Cinema.

Come because you plan on taking acid and shitting your pants.

Come because you want to watch Wayne Knight’s monster shit interrupted by a hungry T-REX.

Just come.

Regency Fairfax Theatre Showtimes. 7907 Beverly Blvd., Hollywood, CA90048.

Seth Green Film Festival in Los Angeles.

Attention people of planet nerdtastic,

your favorite shrimpy ginger celebrity is going to get his very own film festival.

The excitement begins on September 3.

SETH GREEN’S CINEMATIC CAVALCADE OF HORROR!

special guests TBA!!!

sept 3&4 ROBO COP & DIE HARD

sept 5&6 STRANGE BREW & BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA

sept 7-9 YOUNG SHERLOCK HOLMES & TBA

sept 10&11 THREE O CLOCK HIGH & STATE OF GRACE

sept 12&13 BEVERLY HILLS COP & TBA

sept 14&15 SUPERMAN & BATMAN

head on down to the New Bev this fall and enjoy.

I will be there along with hundreds of others who couldn’t play sports in high school.

7165 West Beverly Blvd, Los Angeles CA 90036

Quantum Creep

 

BAKULA: HOT PIECE or 50 YEAR OLD MAN THAT ONLY I AM ATTRACTED TO?

Here’s the thing, Scott Bakula deserves to be talked about at least once every 7 months . Sure, Quantum leap was over about 8 years ago and none of the actors have really done anything but fat lines of blow and low-budget made-for-TV movies since the series cancelation in 1996

BUT HEY, he’s Dr. Sam Beckett

and no one is bumpable like Dr. Sam Beckett .

He’s the kind of guy who would slip his hand around your neck and caress the soft spot behind your ear before looking at you as if to say, ” you are so fucking beautiful that looking at you makes me feel like our souls are dancing together in an ocean of love and chocolate”

Now, I am not completely sure which Learn to love your Partner instructional VHS this screen shot came from. All I can infer is that Dr. Sam Beckett is sensual and also hairier than any generic, deadly half-man half-monster creature.

 

I will say that I saw the BAK once at the Madrid on Sherman Way which is the kind of theater where the florescent marquee has 4 bulbs burnt out and the ticket counter is jam-packed with hateful sickly looking he/shes that wear too much black eyeliner.

My girlfriend and I were celebrating our 3 month anniversary by taking in the sexually-charged, nazi song and dance spectacular:

CABARET.

Bakula was sitting in the lobby with 4 elitist boogers talking about how flat the singers were and how,” it was just so awful to sit through that wretched rendition of blablablablabla something else pretentious” This experience made me decide that Scott Bakula is less of a 90’s babe and more of a washed up 2004 Snobberson McCock.

 

But just to put it out there…

I would blow his 50 year old dong.

 

 

---

If you go see this you won’t feel sad about your life anymore

RAINBOW BRITE AT A THEATER NEAR YOU…

if you live in los angeles.

 

if I weren’t throwing myself a dress as your favorite 90’s pop-cultural icon Birthday Party this saturday, I would be at the new beverley in L.A. watching a 9 year old girl made of rainbows and happiness run around rainbow land in a strange puffy space suit.

Do yourself a favor. Go watch that colorful darling save the the planet, her talking horse, and the colored kids on the big screen for the first time since Reagan was president.

 

Rainbow Brite & The Star Stealer

1985, 85 min 

New Beverly Cinema

7165 W Beverly Blvd

Los Angeles, CA 90036

Midnight, $7

 

if you’re an old foggie like me who likes to watch CBS and fall asleep before reruns of Murphy brown come on

this shit ain’t for you

If you watch this movie your brain will turn to dust.

A NEW MOVIE IS COMING OUT!

and it will destroy the minds of your children.

Do you think that your little pudding-pie-daughter is going to be a genius because she ties her own shoes and can almost always color in the lines at only 7 months old? Then please. i am begging you, do not ruin her career as a biochemist.

For all that is holy and good in this world, do not let her see this movie about 4 30 year olds women playing 16 year old girls who share a pair of pants and recite lines from a script that closely resembles the Chicken Soup For the Teenage Soul series.

besides….

this one was better.

Pineapple Express

Pineapple Express is going to make you laugh, cry, and then shit all over your panties because of all the laughing and crying you will be doing.

Now, this movie may not even be very good. I couldn’t tell you with certainty that it will change your life because I have never seen it. BUT I can telll you that I, along with 7 to 8 other very trustworthy people, believe that Judd Apatow is god and everything he makes is like a precious golden Pagasus.

WATCH THE TRAILER NOW

AND THEN SPEND 15% OF YOUR PAYCHECK ON A TICKET FOR TONIGHT’S 7 O’CLOCL SHOWING.

When Brad Pitt Disappoints me, my heart hurts

I love Brad Pitt with all of my heart, body, and soul. All of my being and everything that I am is in love with his chiseled jaw and washboard abs

but do you want to know what I love EVEN MORE than heart-throb ,do-it-machine Brad Pitt

Never having to see the movie Troy again for the rest of my life.

I have been dick-crazy obsessed with Brad Pitt ever since I bought Legends of the fall from the $5 DVD bin at Walmart last month. So, what have I been doing for the last 4 weeks?

buying every Brad Pitt movie that exists in our universe… including the epic shitfest: TROY

MAYBE if you are one of the many americans who suffers from a combination of blindness, deafness, and slight retardation- I recommend that you go to your local Blockbuster and rent Troy. ….otherwise save your seven dollars and do something equally entertaining .. such as changing all the lightbulbs in your house and waiting for them to burn out

I guess you can’t win them all.

But if you can sit through the 5 all star celebrities putting on phony english accents for the first 3 and 1/2 hours .. the sex scene is so hot it will make your nipples swell up and fall off.